- Hey, guys. RACHEL: Hey.
So, what do you think?
- About what? - What?
Are you kidding? Okay, I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint.
Eyes. No, no. Your eyes! No.
Chandler's eyes!
I got glasses.
You always had glasses.
No, I didn't.
Are you sure?
Didn't you used to have a pair?
They were really round and burgundy, and they made you look kind of, um...
- Feminine. - Yes!
No.
I think the glasses look great. They make you look sexy.
- Really? - Yeah.
You didn't think I used to wear glasses, right?
- Of course. - Pfft.
[MOUTHS] I had no idea.
What do you want for an engagement present?
Oh, that's okay, we're not having a party...
...so you don't have to get us... - Ah, buh-buh-buh! Heh.
If someone wants to give us a present, we don't want to deprive them of that joy.
Oh, you should get them one of those little CD players.
Oh, I already have one.
Unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Yeah, and by "someone" she means Joey.
Hey, I know what I want!
- What we want, honey. - No, you don't want this.
I want to have your grandmother's cookie recipe.
You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
- Uh-huh, yeah. - The one my grandmother...
...made me swear on her deathbed...
...that I would never let out of our family?
Dying people say the craziest things.
I've wanted it for years. I was gonna make cookies for my children.
Break my heart. Oh, all right.
I'll be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies.
Our kids are gonna be fat, aren't they?
- Ahoy! CHANDLER: Hey.
- How's the boat? - I'm getting into this sailing stuff.
You finally took it out of the marina?
Why would I do that?
It took three guys to get the thing in there.
If you don't sail it, what do you do on it?
It's a great place to just kind of sit...
...hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips.
It's good that you finally have a place to do that.
Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
- You could? - Yeah, I've been sailing my whole life.
When I was 15, my dad bought me my own boat.
- Your own boat? - He was trying to cheer me up.
My pony was sick.
- You know what I was thinking? - What?
Nothing, I just like to go like this.
- Chandler, what are you doing tonight? - Why, do you have a lecture?
- No, why? - Then, free as a bird. What's up?
Uh, my dad wants to know if you want to play racquetball.
Wow, that's great! Dad must like you.
- He doesn't ask just anyone to play. - He didn't really ask for you.
He asked for "Chauncey." I assumed he meant you.
Did you correct him?
No, I thought it would be more fun this way.
Maybe this is something you could do this every week.
Or you could sit on the porch...
...and make sure no one steals the trashcans.
He does that every week too.
Just so you know, you have to let him win. He hates to lose.
Oh, no problem. Maybe I'll play with my left hand.
You're not a lefty?
Does anybody know me?
[PHOEBE GASPS]
What's wrong, Phoebe?
I just went to my old apartment to get you the cookie recipe...
...and that stupid fire burned it up!
No! Why didn't you make a copy and keep it in a fireproof box...
...and keep it at least 100 yards away from the original?
Because I'm normal.
That was the one legacy my grandmother left me.
And I know you wanted it as an engagement present.
We have to get you an engagement present?
Don't worry about it.
No one got me an engagement present.
Okay, here. I don't have the recipe, but here.
I wish you health and happiness.
An old cookie?
See, this is what happens when you don't register for gifts.
I made a batch and I froze it. And this is the only one left.
- We can't accept this. - Why not?
Because it's gross.
No, wait. I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie.
I do this at work all the time.
- Really? - Yeah, I think I can.
Oh, yay!
Okay, Ross, we owe you a present.
Two! I've been engaged twice.
Look at this clown.
Because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.
Get out of the way, jackass!
Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
- That is the Coast Guard. - What are they doing out here?
The coast is all the way over there.
Joey, just ignore the boats.
- We're not finished with our lesson. - All right.
I'm gonna go over the basic points one more time.
Come on, Rach. Not again. I got it, okay? Let's start sailing!
I want to go over there where that boatload of girls is. Yeah, oh!
Oh, is that what you wanna do?
You want to give a shout out to the old hot chicas?
Okay, let's do that, Sailor Joe.
Quick question, though: What's this called?
- Uh, boat rope? - Wrong.
- How do you get the mainsail up? - Uh...
Rub it?
No. What do you do if I say we're coming about?
I'd say, "Come again?" Ha, ha.
No, no, I know this one. I know this one. Uh, um...
[BLARING]
Time's up. Now you're dead.
And deaf!
Okay, you go on and make your little jokes.
If you don't know what you're doing at sea...
...you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you, sailor?
- Yes. - Don't just say yes.
This isn't a game. You could get hurt out here!
So do you want to pay attention, or do you want to die?
I want to make a ship-to-shore call to Chandler.
- All right, I definitely taste nutmeg. - You do?
You don't? Heh. Well, that's the difference...
...between a professional and a layman.
That and arrogance.
Hey.
Hey. How was sailing?
I don't want to talk about it.
- You could've saved me a whole cookie. - No!
[PHOEBE & MONICA YELLING]
Women are mean!
I can't believe that.
Now the only thing left of my grandmother's legacy is...
...this crumb.
I wish you a long and happy marriage.
- Hey. - How was it?
Well, I had a great time.
Um, Chauncey on the other hand...
I will tell the story.
It was going great. I let him win, we were bonding...
...he even said I could call him Dad.
And what did he ask you not to call him?
"Daddy."
Look, here's the story.
CHANDLER: We had just finished playing racquetball...
...and we were gonna take a steam.
I walk into the steam room...
...and it's really steamy.
So I take off my glasses, and that's when it happened.
Guys?
ROSS: Over here. JACK: Have a seat, son.
Hey!
- Oh, my God, Chandler! I can't believe it. - I know.
You gave my father a lap dance.
Why do they put so much steam in there?
Because otherwise they'd have to call it the "room" room.
Why, okay? Why? Why did that have to happen?
Come on, it's not that big a deal.
Not that big a deal? There...
There was touching of things.
I know you wanted to bond with my dad...
...but did you have to bond to that part?
Listen, I'm sure Dad doesn't care. He probably thought this was funny.
He'll be telling this story for years.
I don't want him to tell this story for years.
Oh, but he will.
He still tells the story about how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
I wasn't escaping.
Then how'd you get caught in the barbed wire?
I was trying to help out a squirrel.
You were trying to eat it.
[PHONE RINGS]
If that is your father calling to tell this story...
...then the marriage is off!
Come on. Hello.
I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
Okay, I'll call you later, Dad. I love you.
- All right, I'm off to see your dad. - Oh, whoa.
Aren't you a little overdressed?
Yeah, and you better make sure he tips you this time.
I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore...
...and I figured the best way to do that was face to face.
And by "face," I don't mean his lap.
And by "face," I don't mean my ass.
Are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?
I don't know. You know, they didn't get us anything.
Thank you!
- Hey. - Hey.
Well, hello.
So when are we getting back out on the water, matey?
Oh, uh, I don't know the boat way to say this, but, never.
- Why not? - Because you're mean on the boat.
Wha...? I was just trying to teach you.
Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat.
She wouldn't let me help out at all.
Excuse me, I wanted you to help. But you couldn't move your arms...
...because you were wearing three life jackets.
You have to respect the sea.
Look, Joey, I'm sorry if you thought that was mean.
But I tell you something, that was not mean.
My father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat.
It was horrible. I was being a really good teacher.
Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer, pinhead!"
Does a good student drink 7 beers during his first lesson?
Six and a half.
You knocked that last one out of my hand.
I didn't want you to get hit by the boom.
Well, it hit me anyway.
It would have hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down and, uh, stop yelling.
- You won't boss me around? - I won't boss you around.
- And you'll be nice? - I'll be nice.
- And you'll be topless? - And I... Joey!
You want me to learn?
Okay, here's batch 22.
Maybe these'll taste like your grandmother's.
This has a bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
- Mm. Let's give it a shot. MONICA: Ugh.
I have not made so many cookies since 9th grade.
- What was that for, a bake sale? - No, just a Friday night.
Mm. These are pretty good.
- Yeah, but not as good as batch 17. - Mm-mm.
Which one was that?
The ones we had after you almost threw up.
Oh, yeah, batch 17 was good.
I did not like batch 16.
I'm okay.
Are there any more from the good batch? We could work off those.
Well, yeah, I think there's one from batch 17 left. Uh...
Batch 16. Sixteen, people, get out of the way!
Okay, Joey. Honey, you're doing really good.
I just need you to step to the portside.
Remember how we talked about the portside?
- Oh, yeah. - Right?
No.
It's left, sweetie, but that's okay. That's a tough one.
Why not just say left?
Okay, go to the left.
Ahem, the left.
- Huh? - Just sit over there!
Okay! Okay! You're yelling again. See that?
Oh, no, no. Very quiet. Said with love, no yelling.
You know what?
Since I'm here, I'm gonna have a beer on the portside.
See what I did there? Ha, ha.
We're luffing a little. Will you tighten up the Cunningham?
Whoa, you just said a bunch of stuff I don't know.
Joey, come on! We just went over this.
Oh, when we did that was when that bird was overhead with the fish in his mouth.
- Did you see it? It was gross. - No! I did not see the bird.
I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam shaped like Mike Tyson!
I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat.
Which obviously is an impossible thing to do.
That's it! You're yelling, and I don't see you taking your top off.
I quit!
- What do you mean? You can't quit. - Why not?
Because you're not finished! I won't have it. Greens do not quit.
Greens?
I'm a Tribbiani. Tribbianis quit.
Oh, my God. Wait.
Did I...? I just said, "Greens don't quit," didn't I?
- Did I say, "Greens don't quit"? - Yes! And you're still yelling at me.
No, I'm not yelling at you. I'm just yelling near you.
Oh, God, Joey. Oh, I'm my father.
Oh, my God. This is horrible.
I've been trying so hard not to be my mother, I did not see this coming.
Ugh, Joey.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to learn.
- Ugh. - Hey, I...
I did learn.
- Really? - Yeah, come on.
- No. - Yeah. It's okay.
I know what a mainsail is. Huh?
I know to duck when the boom comes across.
- I know port is right. - Left.
Damn it!
You know, I bet it would make my grandma happy...
...to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe.
I bet she's looking up at us and smiling right now.
Looking up?
Oh, yeah, no, she was really nice to me but she's in hell for sure.
Well, I've tried everything. I give up.
I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best cookies.
I do make the best duck confit with broccoli raab.
Kids love that, right?
Aw, Pheeb, isn't there any relative that would have the recipe?
What about your sister?
Oh, no. I made a promise to myself that the next time...
...I would talk to Ursula is over my dead body.
And that's not happening until October 15, 2032.
That's the day you're gonna die? See.
Darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day. Heh.
That's what you think.
What about friends of your grandmother? Would they have the recipe?
You know, I may have relatives in France who would know.
My grandmother said she got the recipe...
...from her grandmother, "Nestley Toulouse."
What was her name?
Nestley Toulouse.
Nestlé Toll House?
Ugh.
You Americans always butcher the French language.
Phoebe, is this the recipe?
Yes!
Oh.
I cannot believe that I spent the last two days trying to figure out that recipe.
It was in my cupboard the whole time!
I know! You see, it is stuff like this...
...which is why you're burning in hell!
CHANDLER: So you understand.
I'd feel more comfortable if you didn't tell people.
You know, I'm a little embarrassed about it.
I understand completely. There's nothing more horrifying...
...than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws.
As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy, I was unemployed.
Her father asked me what I did for a living.
- I told him I was a lawyer. - Heh.
- What'd you do when they found out? - They never did.
So if you ever see me giving them legal advice, just nod along.
Shall we?
So, I guess we wear swimsuits in here.
Well, Joey, I hate to admit it...
...your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
Yep, yep.
Hey, why don't you give a pull on that rope?
We're not sailing.
- Just pull on it. - All right.
- Hey! - Eh?
Sandwiches!
- What else? - Ha, ha.
Here you go.
- Thank you. - Oh, wow.
- What are you doing? - Oops. Sorry.
Don't hold it like that. You're letting all the good stuff fall out.
- Oh. Oops. - Careful!
You're wasting good pastrami!
Oh, my God. I'm my dad!
[English - US - SDH]